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Archive for the ‘Half a Star’ Category

Oh, how the Tomatometer can be right on for me, and then completely off. Yesterday I reviewed Leave No Trace with a score of 100% on Rotten Tomatoes. I have it 4 stars.

In contrast, Blockers has a score of 83% and it gets half a star from me.

It starts out well enough, when three girls walk up the sidewalk to their elementary school on the first day of school. Three parents stand there, slightly teary eyed, seeing them off. The girls hold hands and gingerly walk up the steps of the school into their new lives. The parents realize that they may see more of each other in the years to come.

Roll forward to the “end” of school – prom night. The girls have become fast friends, and so have the parents. Spying on a chat log one of the girls leaves on in her room, the parents realize their daughters have made a pact to lose their virginity on prom night. They freak out and make their own dubious pact to block this from happening.

The entire movie is a string of contrived situations, trite prom scenes that have been used in every movie about proms since movies have been made, with accents like unrealistic vomiting in the limo. I have a disdain for all movies with graphic and explicit projectile vomiting. Inexplicably, they had to add a couple of flashes of close-ups of hairy dad testicles being squeezed for no reason in the plot other than to be, well, gross. It’s hard to un-see those images once you were subjected to them. Yuck.

I watched the movie because it was late, I was too tired to read, and I kept thinking it would get better. I chuckled and laughed at times, not because it was funny, but mostly because the movie was so bad, it was a laugh of embarrassment.

83% on the Tomatometer, go figure!

Do not waste your time or money.

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Tonight, flipping through the movies on Apple, and not finding anything good, we decided to watch Prometheus. It got a 72% on the tomatometer, so I thought it would not be too bad. Very quickly I found myself bored with the inane dialog, senseless plot and cardboard characters. I also recognized some scenes, so I thought I must have seen some of them flipping through channels in the past. However, true to my commitment to myself about reviewing every movie I watch, I persisted all the way through.

Then I came to my computer, chose the half-star icon below and went to find a good picture to use for the review, when I noticed that there was already one titled Prometheus in my directory. Hmmm.

Five seconds and a quick search later revealed that I had watched and reviewed this movie on June 4, 2014. Here is the result, one star that time.

This movie is so bad that I had completely forgotten that I had watched it before, all the way through, and then wrote a full review about it.

Or is it my memory that’s going.

Either way – bad.

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VesselAn unidentified object appears next to the International Space Station. The astronauts and cosmonauts on board are first fascinated, soon confused, and soon after stark raving mad.

Mission control is trying to make sense of it.

The beginning of the book is gripping and the free sample got me to buy the rest. But unfortunately, as the story progresses, it feels like the author loses more and more interest in the story and the plot fizzles into gibberish.

While this sounds like a science fiction story, it actually plays in today’s world and environment, all the way to the fact that the only access for humans to the space station is via the Russian Soyuz ship. The problem is that the story just makes no sense after a while.

Warning: Spoilers after this marker.

A government conspiracy is centered around an American major general who takes control of the Russian space program (somehow) and nobody seems to object. This American general also seems to be acting on his own, he goes rogue, kills people, reassigns space missions at will, without any assistance from anyone.

There is so much goofy stuff happening in this story that it’s completely implausible and therefore unreal. The alien artifact is neither explained nor does it seem to have any function other than causing psychological trauma in all humans that get near it. In the end, it conveniently disappears. I read the whole book to find out what it was and why it was there. I could have stopped reading half way through and not missed anything.

It was an unsatisfying story all the way around.

The half-star is for a good idea.

Rating - Half a Star

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Inherent Vice

This is one of the strangest movies I have watched – sort of – in a very long time. It should have been called Incoherent Vice, because from the first minute on, and then slogging through 2 hours and 28 minutes, I never knew what was going on, and I really didn’t care. When I figured out it was going nowhere, I got up and cleaned the kitchen and did the dinner dishes, while the movie kept droning in the background. Then I went to the pool and swam five laps. I got back, took a shower, and sat down and watched the remaining hour. I hadn’t missed a thing.

Larry Doc Sportello (Joaquin Phoenix) is a private investigator who is trying to solve some problem I can’t figure out what it was. Groovy.

My recommendation – just watch the trailer – and you’re good. You save yourself two and a half hours of your life and the cost of the movie – and you’re not missing a thing.

The half a star is because a song from Neil Young’s album Harvest was in the soundtrack.

Rating - Half a Star

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3 days to killReminiscent of the Taken series with Liam Neeson, Kevin Costner is a badass CIA type spy who can beat up and kill bad guys and terrorists like no other. He is in Paris. His estranged wife and daughter live there. His daughter is a typical teenager who does not want anything to do with her father. This relationship between the daughter and the father makes this a slightly humorous family drama.

But the badass CIA type gets sucked into bad guy stuff and he has to keep killing people, which keeps him from meeting his dates with his daughter. Eventually she gets sucked into the vortex. Now the badass CIA type not only has to save the world from the terrorist, he has to save his daughter’s life.

Now he is really pissed.

Kevin Costner’s acting saves this movie from the abyss. There are exciting car chases, gun fights and kickass sessions that keep the action moving, but it’s all stuff we have seen before, with Bruce Willis and Liam Neeson. We really don’t need it with Kevin Costner.

Save your money.

Rating - Half a Star

 

 

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