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Archive for the ‘Zero Stars’ Category

a-time-before-time

This is absolutely the worst book I have ever read.

I am not sure how I even came to spend $2.99 for this book. It was listed as a science fiction and time travel novel in my Amazon feed. Once I was a couple of chapters into it, and since it was so short, I kept reading it not because it had my attention, but because it was so bad, I kept reading it just to entertain myself.

I am not sure if the author is writing in English as a second language, but he’d better be. Misspellings and grammar mistakes abound. Sometimes extra words are inserted, and other times words are missing. Nobody seems to have proofread this book, let alone edited it.

I read the entire book, and I honestly don’t know what is going on. An astronaut, who likes aviator glasses (we know this because about 5% of the book talk about his glasses) leaves on a journey. It is not clear where to and why. But he has to say good bye to his wife, who goes into cryogenic sleep while he is gone. Somehow the science goes wrong and he ends up in the 1960s somewhere in the American West, and there are some characters they interact with. The astronaut is also a gambler, and he wins some money in Las Vegas. I am telling you, it is really, really bad.

Just to give you a sense, here is the entire chapter 4, where the three astronauts wake up and discover than one of the three of them is dead. You’d think that would tragic? Check for yourself:

Chapter 4

When Liam came to, the ‘balloon’ had split, slowing the ship. He was the only one of the three that were conscious. He sent some messages back to earth. Orbits of other planets were periodically slowing the ship down. His messages were sporadic. He knew that earth would not receive them for years, now, but he sent them, anyway.

He looked up. They were headed towards a planet at full speed. It was their intended destination. The ship had been knocked off course. Liam attempted to wake up his captain. Captain Stewart woke with a start.

Keats had been thrust back in his chair too forcefully. His belt had broken. His neck had broken. He was dead.

‘Stay calm.’ The captain said. Liam was unsure of who he was talking to. ‘We’re still alive. We can make it back.’ He muttered under his breath, before calmly telling Liam some orders. He immediately obliged. The ship yawed and tilted. It was in the pull of the atmosphere, but it was enough. They orbited it and began heading back in the direction of earth.

‘Let’s sleep.’ The captain said, leaving his chair and painfully making his way back to the quarters. Liam sent one more message before following on. ‘We’re going to make it.’ The captain said before closing his pod and freezing himself.

Liam followed on. For a few years there was nothingness. It was the best he’d ever slept.

My rating scheme does not support negative numbers. If I could, I’d give this book a negative 4. But as it is, zero must suffice.

There are sequels to this book. No thank you.

Rating - Zero Stars

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Movie Review: The Room

The Room

My rating system only goes down to zero. This movie should be a minus four. It is absolutely the worst movie I have ever seen. It’s one hour and 25 minutes long, and the acting is as bad as that in porn. However, in porn it lasts for about a minute, before the Chi-Chi-Bow-Bow music comes and the action starts. Here it goes on for an interminable hour and a half.

The only reason I was able to watch the whole thing is because my son made it the featured entertainment for us after Thanksgiving dinner. We had to hand in our smartphones, and we were not allowed to leave, until the movie was over. The Room is a cult classic in San Francisco, he said, because it is so bad.

The guy in the picture above is Tommy Wiseau, the producer, writer, director and lead actor. He is obviously full of himself. Nobody quite knows where he got the six million dollars he spent on his vanity project The Room.

The movie has no plot to speak of (I could tell you in about 20 seconds what’s going on). The story is full of holes. Much of the action makes no sense. Playing football has never been this bizarre before. The acting is horrible – did I say that already?

There are a few sex scenes, where Johnny (the main character) sleeps with Lisa (his fiancée). The scenes are actually quite graphic and take place in the first half hour of the movie. That made me think it might just keep going like that, in good soft-porn style. But no. The second sex scene used the same footage as the first. He must have thought that the audience wouldn’t notice.

Why it is called The Room I cannot fathom. It could as well have been called The Goof or Inept.

Now you actually must rent this movie and watch it all the way through, just so you know what the worst movie ever is like!

And the sentence Why are you doing that??? will never be the same again.

Rating - Zero Stars

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Mad Max

It’s been a long time that we had been out for a movie. Checking the Tomatometer, we found that Mad Max had a rating of 99. One of the highest we’d seen in a long time. Can’t go wrong with that!

Or can you?

In all the reviews I have done, I have never been that far apart from the Tomatometer. I am giving this zero stars. I am sorry we paid for that movie. If you paid me twenty dollars to spend two hours watching this again, knowing what I know now, I’d decline.

Apparently this is the fourth post-apocalyptic action adventure in this sorry franchise, and now I know why I never bothered to watch the first three. Charlize Theron stars as a one-armed tough broad on a mission to do – well, I am not sure what she is doing. There is no story that makes any sense. It drags on for 120 minutes, and it looks like they recorded one minute of trucks, hot rods and motorcycles chasing each other in the desert, and ran that recording 120 times. How long can a story be interesting when vehicles chase each other in the desert with the occupants shooting at each other and blowing each other up in spectacular fireballs, on and on and on.

The entire film is an excuse for grotesque makeup, hot rod racing, and senseless shooting, and lots of crazy stunts, all while driving in the desert – somewhere.

I just wonder how the critics all could give this positive ratings with a straight face? They just stole our twelve dollars per ticket.

Stole.

Zero Stars.

Rating - Zero Stars

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