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Archive for the ‘Crack-Ups’ Category

This allegory was posted on Facebook by a Trump voter I have very high respect for, whom I will keep anonymous:

Big dispute in the chicken house about the latest vote on “which is better – white or brown eggs”–more votes than chickens and some are too young to vote-some votes came from stew pot chicken and biscuits. They were cooked several years ago – some mail in votes were received after the votes were being counted. The BIG ROOSTER invalidated all the votes and said only those who can validate their eligibility to vote can be counted. Those who oppose this ruling are marching in protest outside the coop with signs that says “WE WANT ALL VOTES TO COUNT”– Some votes were found under the chicken house and under the feed barrel. some were in the mail two days after the election and were counted–such a mess.

Here are my thoughts on the various subjects:

Chicken and biscuits voting: Occasionally such votes are found, but it is actually very rare. They find onesies and twosies coming into the coop from time to time. It turns out that the chicken and biscuits votes are as often from white meat chicken as they are from dark meat chicken. I don’t think any coop counsel would object to discarding chicken and biscuit ballots, when they are identified. But no coop counsel has ever, in the history of chickendom, found enough chicken and biscuit ballots to overturn any election. 

Some chickens are too young to vote: Same problem. Coops have occasionally found invalid ballots like this, but they are as often from white meat chicken as they are from dark meat chicken.

Some were in mail two days after the election: In those coops where ballots have to be mailed and postmarked by election day, nobody has a problem with discarding those ballots. Any coop counsel, when presented with this obviously illegal evidence, should and will discard those ballots.

Votes found under the chicken house and under the feed barrel: When you have to track 150 million pieces of paper in just a few days, sometimes stuff falls down the ladder, gets left in the barn, the yard or the feed barrel. This happens to ballots from white-egg chickens and brown-egg chickens alike. This does not mean that only the brown-egg chickens are dropping ballots.

Some mail in votes were received after the votes were being counted: Many coops legally allow mailing ballots to be received and counted after election day. Here is a chart that outlines the various coops and their rules. There is nothing wrong with that. That’s the law. 

The BIG ROOSTER has had four years to make sure that the election system works, and according to the lead cock in charge of safeguarding the elections, they have been the safest and most secure elections ever. The BIG ROOSTER however didn’t like that the lead cock did his job so well, because the numbers didn’t work out for the big rooster, and all the hens are cackling now. So the lead cock is now stew.

Sad.

We now have four years of time to work out some of the remaining kinks with the ballots, not because there was widespread fraud, but because the crowing of the BIG ROOSTER that the election is rigged has confused half the chickens in all the coops.

Meanwhile, the hens are back to laying eggs, brown and white alike, all the roosters are crowing, and I no longer listen the the tweets of the BIG ROOSTER.

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…at Four Seasons Total Landscaping Company in Philadelphia, where United States Presidential Administrations go to get buried.

Go buy your sticker now. 


I think I’ll go out into my yard and rake again.

I have earned it.

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Here is Elmo with an umbrella.

When it rains outside, we can use an umbrella to stay dry.

If you don’t use an umbrella, and you go out in the rain, you get all wet.

Getting wet is not good.

Staying dry is good.

That’s why we use an umbrella in the rain.

Elmo is smart.

He uses an umbrella.

 

 

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I am reading Michael Cohen’s book right now, and one of the most revealing and interesting chapters to me what Chapter Ten – How to Fix a Poll. It’s not a widely known incident or story, but it tells more about Trump than many of the other stories and scandals that we have heard about.

In 2014, Trump was starting to get serious about running for office, and he wanted his image to be one of a highly respected and famous business man and real estate developer. Around that time, CNBC was celebrating its 25th anniversary as a network, and to do so it was conducting an online poll to determine the twenty-five most influential business people alive. The poll stated that “he or she should have altered business, commerce, management or human behavior – in other words, the person should be responsible for ushering meaningful change, with business being the primary sphere of influence.” Trump was one of the two hundred business people listed as contenders.

Inside the Trump organization, his secretary emailed everyone she could to click on the hyperlink to elevate the boss’ profile.

That is ludicrous to begin with. If I did that in my company, my employees would laugh at me.

But it seems to have been normal at the Trump Organization. They figured that if everyone “inside” were to vote on their computer, their phone, their tablets, the tablets of their kids, etc., it would be enough to get him into the top 10. When CNBC first started publishing results, Trump was near the very bottom, like 187 out of 200. Trump was reportedly pissed. He printed out the results grid, marked it up with a Sharpie and called Cohen: “What can we do about this poll? I am at the bottom of the fucking list. Check into this immediately and let me know.”

Cohen called an IT friend for help. His company knew what to do. They bought several batches of IP addresses to hide the fake polls, and inserted the votes to drive up Trump’s numbers. Their goal was to get him to number 9. Trump wanted number 1, but they thought nobody would believe it and it would create too much scrutiny. The IP addresses cost $7,500 for batches of 100,000, and they needed several. Trump approved the purchase.

They pulled it off, and Trump made number 9 on the list. He was all excited, had hundreds of copies of the list printed, sent it to all his friends and contacts to gloat, and distributed it to his visitors in his office.

Then CNBC completely removed him, no answers given. While Cohen never did find out what happened, CNBC had the right to do so. Being an IT guy myself, it’s obvious that CNBC figured out the fraud and without making much fanfare about it, which they could have, they simply removed him completely.

Trump was furious. He ended up not even paying the consulting firm that had pulled it off. He stiffed them for their services and for the purchases of the IP addresses. After all “they didn’t deliver the objective” so why should he pay them?

He was so incensed, he wanted Cohen to call the president of CNBC and tell him they’d sue him if they didn’t restore his rightful slot.

Think about that for a minute. Here is a business man that is so obsessed with his image that he is willing to openly cheat in a poll. Then he “wins” and is delighted. That’s like a boy scout stealing a trophy and showing it off as his own. Then, when the fraud is discovered, and the trophy is taken away, he is indignant, actually personally offended. The world has it out for him. He obviously believed himself that he “deserved” that award and it was taken away from him. Not only did he cheat, but he himself believed that he earned it.

If any school boy between age six and twelve did this, we would reprimand him.

But Donald Trump did this in 2014. That is the kind of man we elected for President of the United States.

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I recently had my American Express card replaced. Rather than the customary plastic, I received a heavy card that felt like metal. Then, a few weeks later, I received my new Hilton Honors card, which definitely seems to be made out of metal. These cards feel heavy, so heavy, that I am not willing to put them into my wallet.

Here is a quick 5 second video that gives you a sense. I put the stickers on to obscure my card numbers, since this is a public post.

Did you hear the clanking, particularly of the Hilton card? Heavy metal all the way.

I brought out my postage scale and weighed a normal plastic credit card: it was between 0.10 and 0.15 ounces.

The American Express card was 0.50 ounces.

And the Hilton card — drumroll — was 0.60 ounces.

A few of those in my wallet would make the wallet noticeably heavier, which I don’t need. So I quickly decided to leave them at home in a drawer. I have hiker friends who do long-distance hikes. They cut off the handles of their plastic tooth brushes to save a few hundredth of an ounce of weight by not carrying the superfluous handles. They would be aghast if they saw these cards.

These cards, in a breast pocket, will stop a bullet. But I don’t expect to be in any gunfights, so I am leaving them at home. I am much happier carrying my old pastic Capital One card.

What’s in your wallet?

 

 

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Source: Reddit

Whoever said one person can’t change the world never ate an undercooked bat!

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Science should not stand in the way of reopening schools.

— Kayleigh McEnany, White House Press Secretary

That one actually cracked me up.

Maybe I’ll add my own quote:

Gravity should not stand in the way of White House staff being able to fly.

— Norbert Haupt

It appears that we have a lot of stable geniuses coming together in our federal government to lead our way.

Has anyone ever heard of lemmings?

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When you go to the website for Ravensburger Games, a German company that specializes in board games and, among many other things, jigsaw puzzles, it gives you a message that, due to high demand, they cannot ship any orders, “thanks for understanding.” Apparently, the world has bought out all the available puzzles, when one of the main producers of such puzzles is out of stock.

I had one puzzle of 2000 pieces in the house. For distraction, I started working on it on the dining room table. It’s a sunset picture of Las Vegas. Here is my progress so far:

But, to my dismay, right at the top, in the center of the picture, is a name I didn’t need in my house right now:

Help! I can’t get away!

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A plane with five passengers on board — Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, the Pope and a 10-year-old schoolgirl — is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.

Trump says: “I need one. I’m the smartest man in the USA and I’m needed to solve the pandemic!” He takes one parachute and jumps.

Johnson says: “I’m needed to sort out the COVID-19 mess in Britain.” He takes one and jumps.

The Pope says: “The world’s Catholics depend on me for comfort in a time of fear.” He takes one and jumps.

“You can have the last parachute,” Merkel says to the 10-year-old. “I’ve lived my life. Yours is only just starting.”

The little girl replies: “Don’t worry, there are two parachutes left. The smartest man in the USA just took my school bag.”

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Today I got a letter from Melania Trump, asking me for money:

Check this out:

In confronting and resolving the issues facing our nation, Donald has proven to be a true leader.

Here is the second page:

The red arrow is mine.

I cannot believe that the wife of Trump originally had a signature that is done with a marker and looks just like Trump’s signature.

 

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Some of us are introverts.

We welcome social distancing. Not having to hug folks when we get together, not having to do small talk at parties or work, not going to crowded events, parties, bars, all the “social places” is making our lives easier.

I am not saying any of this is good – but I don’t mind being relaxed and distanced, and not hurting anyone’s feelings.

Because – some of us are introverts.

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Why don’t we just unplug 2020 for ten seconds, and then plug it in again?

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Too Much Toilet Paper

Help – there is more toilet paper in my house than I know what to do with!

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